Tales of Britain Read online

  About the Author

  Born in Ludlow in 1978 and graduating from Aberystwyth University in 2000, Bath-based author Jem Roberts has a publishing heritage which goes back over 20 years, with extensive magazine experience – as well as being a performer, with shows all round the United Kingdom.

  Although he has made himself the biographer of choice for comedy’s elite – the official, authorised historian for I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, Blackadder, Douglas Adams and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and now Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, in Soupy Twists – Jem has been a committed children’s writer for a lot longer.

  As a journalist, he edited titles including Pokémon World, Disney & Me and Disney’s Puzzle Land, and has been a contributor as storyteller for Muffin the Mule, Disney Girl, Winnie the Pooh and many other publications. His short story ‘Little Wee’ (about a very annoying baby llama) was published as part of charity fairytale collection Homespun Threads in 2012, and he continues to write his own tales as well as adapting traditional ones.

  JEMROBERTS.COM

  TALESOFBRITAIN.COM

  Tales of Britain

  By Brother Bernard

  As told to Jem Roberts

  This edition first published in 2018

  Unbound

  6th Floor Mutual House, 70 Conduit Street, London W1S 2GF

  www.unbound.com

  All rights reserved

  © Jem Roberts, 2018

  The right of Jem Roberts to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  ISBN (eBook): 978-1-912618-45-3

  ISBN (Paperback): 978-1-912618-44-6

  Design by Mecob

  Printed in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives Plc

  For Terry Jones

  ‘Sit by the fire, and I shall make soup from your stories,

  And we’ll have our hopes for bread.’

  Other books by

  Jem Roberts

  The Clue Bible: The Fully Authorised History of ‘I’m Sorry, I Haven’t a Clue’

  The True History of The Black Adder

  The Frood: The Authorised and Very Official History of Douglas Adams

  Soupy Twists: The Official Fry & Laurie Story

  Contents

  About the Author

  [Dedication]

  Other books by Jem Roberts

  [Dear Reader Letter]

  Super Patrons

  MAP

  A QUICK HELLO FROM BROTHER BERNARD

  1. BRUTUS: LAND AHOY!

  2. THE THREE BEARS

  3. THE LOST LAND

  4. WAYLAND AND FLIBBERTIGIBBET

  5. WADE AND BELL

  6. BLADUD AND THE PIGS

  7. KING LEIR

  8. THE STOKESAY KEY

  9. THE BROWN BEAR OF THE GREEN GLEN

  10. THE HEDLEY KOW

  11. VENGEANCE WILL COME

  12. MOLLY WHUPPIE

  13. THE SILKIE

  14. TALIESIN THE BARD

  15. THE MARRIAGE OF ROBIN REDBREAST

  16. JACK O’KENT AND THE DEVIL

  17. TAMLANE OF CARTERHAUGH WOOD

  18. THE GIANT WHO HATED SHREWSBURY

  19. RHIANNON

  20. MERLIN AND THE DRAGONS

  21. THE SWORD IN THE STONE

  22. BRAN THE BLESSED

  23. TRISTAN AND ISOLDE

  24. GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT

  25. AVALON

  26. CADOC AND THE MOUSE

  27. JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

  28. JACK THE GIANT KILLER

  29. DUERGAR!

  30. THE EYE OF LEWIS

  31. THE KNUCKER

  32. SIGURD’S HOWE

  33. LADY GODIVA

  34. MACBETH AND THE WITCHES

  35. THE KINGDOM OF THE SEALS

  36. ELIDOR AND THE GOLDEN BALL

  37. LONG MEG AND HER DAUGHTERS

  38. POOR OLD GELERT

  39. THOMAS THE RHYMER

  40. THE WISE FOLK OF GOTHAM

  41. THE GIFT HORSE

  42. ROBERT THE BRUCE AND THE SPIDER

  43. THE FAIRY INVASION

  44. ROBIN AND THE CURTAL FRIAR

  45. THE SILVER ARROW

  46. BABES IN THE WOOD

  47. ROBIN’S END

  48. THE SAFFRON COCKATRICE

  49. THE BUGGANE OF ST. TRINIAN’S

  50. THE LAMBTON WORM

  51. THE WIZARD OF ALDERLEY EDGE

  52. THE VERRIES OF PENNARD CASTLE

  53. DICK WHITTINGTON AND THE CAT

  54. THE CANTERBURY TALES

  55. HERNE THE HUNTER

  56. BLACK VAUGHAN

  57. THE WHIKEY TREE

  58. THE BISTERNE DRAGON

  59. TOM THUMB

  60. THE KING OF CATS

  61. THREE LITTLE PIGS

  62. BEWARE THE CAT!

  63. THE GREAT GORMULA

  64. THE KELPIE OF LOCH GARVE

  65. CONJURING MINTERNE

  66. THE APPLE TREE MAN

  67. THE KINTRAW DOONIES

  68. THE MERMAID OF ZENNOR

  69. THE TIDDY MUN

  70. THE PIPER OF DICKMONTLAW

  71. THE SHILLINGTON GOBLINS

  72. THE BROWNIE OF BODESBECK

  73. TAM O’ SHANTER

  74. BLACK SHUCK

  75. LUKKI-MINNIE

  76. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

  77. THE WILD HUNT

  LOCATIONS INDEX

  Acknowledgements

  Patrons

  Dear Reader,

  The book you are holding came about in a rather different way to most others. It was funded directly by readers through a new website: Unbound.

  Unbound is the creation of three writers. We started the company because we believed there had to be a better deal for both writers and readers. On the Unbound website, authors share the ideas for the books they want to write directly with readers. If enough of you support the book by pledging for it in advance, we produce a beautifully bound special subscribers’ edition and distribute a regular edition and e-book wherever books are sold, in shops and online.

  This new way of publishing is actually a very old idea (Samuel Johnson funded his dictionary this way). We’re just using the internet to build each writer a network of patrons. Here, at the back of this book, you’ll find the names of all the people who made it happen.

  Publishing in this way means readers are no longer just passive consumers of the books they buy, and authors are free to write the books they really want. They get a much fairer return too – half the profits their books generate, rather than a tiny percentage of the cover price.

  If you’re not yet a subscriber, we hope that you’ll want to join our publishing revolution and have your name listed in one of our books in the future. To get you started, here is a £5 discount on your first pledge. Just visit unbound.com, make your pledge and type BERNARD18 in the promo code box when you check out.

  Thank you for your support,

  Dan, Justin and John

  Founders, Unbound

  Super Patrons

  Teresa Ankin

  Joshua Arnett

  Grace Bagshaw

  Paula Clarke Bain

  Elizabeth-Jane Baldry

  Jem Barnard

  Emma Bayliss

  Joshua Bergenroth

  Jurek Bijak

  Julian Birch

  C Blanche
br />   Alan Bonnyman

  Tom Boon

  David Bowyer

  Tracy Boyle (Bailey)

  The Braakenburg Family

  Beatrice Brailey

  John Brassey

  BrotherRock

  Jon Buckeridge

  Colin Callan

  Elizabeth Childs

  Karen Christley

  Freyalyn Close-Hainsworth

  Rosie Corlett

  Stephen Cox

  Julia Croyden

  Ian Cummings

  David

  Ashley Davies

  Andy Davis

  John de Jong

  John Dexter

  Emma Dixon

  Gemma Donald

  Cormac Dullaghan

  Laura Đurinec

  Valerie Duskin

  Christopher Easterbrook

  Barnaby Eaton-Jones

  Brian Edwards

  Karl Egerton

  Mark Everden

  Peter Faulkner

  Stuart E. Fewtrell

  Paul Fillery

  Terence Flanagan

  John Fulton

  Steve Gall

  Antonia Galloway

  Tim Gee

  Mark Gethings

  Matthew Gilbert

  Tony Gill

  Marcus Gipps

  The unholy sprites at Godchecker.com

  Susan Godfrey

  Paul Godfrey

  Caroline Goldsmith

  Amy Gore

  Mike Griffiths

  Mark Griffiths

  David Haddock

  Dorothy Halfhide

  Nick Hamil

  Samantha Handebo

  Kate Harbour

  H Hargate

  Dianne Harmata

  Perry Harris

  Tilly & Lucy Harris

  Christine Harris Fosdal

  Jane Hayward

  Mark Hewlett

  Sheila Higgins

  Steve Higgins

  Jacquelyn Higgins

  Tanya Hinton

  Robert Hoare

  Anne Hobson

  Stephen Hoppe

  Violet Horne

  Gareth Hughes

  Laura Humphrey

  Neil Innes

  Joseph and Adam Jackson

  John Jencks

  Amanda Jennings

  Tristan John

  Davey Jones

  Julie Jones

  Jan Keeling

  Michael Kelly

  Rik Kershaw-Moore

  Philip King

  Taylor Lankford

  Nick Lansbury

  Rick Le Coyte

  Kim Le Patourel

  David Learner

  Alan Lee

  Mike Lewis

  Helen Lewis

  John & Christine Lomax

  Kari Long

  Robert Lukins

  Dave Lusby

  James Lydon

  Dirk Maggs

  Jane Malcolm

  Peter Maloy

  Larry Mandt

  Alasdair Mathieson

  Carol McCollough

  Anna McDuff

  Ian McGill

  Lucy McGrath

  Kt Mehers

  Oliver Mernagh

  Jonny Mohun

  Rowan Molyneux

  Ross Montgomery

  K. Murray-Brooks.

  Chris Newman

  Clare Norris

  Gabriel & Stella O’Connor

  Elizabeth O’Hara

  Lev Parikian

  Matthew Pellett

  Justin Pollard

  Beki Pope

  Glenn Prangnell

  Janet Pretty

  Arthur Prior

  Francis Pryor

  Jameson Rainha

  Colette Reap

  Carlos Rehaag

  Helen Reid

  Nick Roberts

  George Roberts

  Tony Robinson

  Stian Rødland

  Paul Rose

  Sam Ross

  Emma Samuel

  Jenny Schwarz

  Jonathan Seamons

  Dale Shaw

  Andrew Shead

  Josephine Sherwood

  Rachel Simon

  David Simpkin

  SisterRainbow

  Helen Smith

  MTA Smith

  Simon Smith

  Richard Soundy

  Henriette B. Stavis

  Kelly Stevens

  Jim Stevens

  Jason, Lisa & Joseph Stevens

  Arielle Sumits

  Scott Sundberg

  Steven Sutton

  Ewan Tant

  Rob Taylor

  Helen Thompson

  Adam Tinworth

  Pete Waller

  Julie Warren

  Olivia Watchman

  Paul Watson

  Tim Weaver

  Paul West

  Nick White

  Alex Wilcock

  Simon Williams

  Thom Willis

  Sarah Wilson

  Pip Winstone

  Howard Wix

  Jo Worsfold

  Alex Wright

  Lou Yates

  Tara Young

  MAP

  TALE KEY

  MONSTROUS Features horrible monsters or weird creatures

  SUPERNATURAL May have ghosts, or some kind of spooky magic

  RUDE BITS Adult elements, and some sexy bits

  LANGUAGE Will include at least one rather rude word

  BLOODY Packed with violence and blood! (This is common)

  TRAGIC May make you cry, with no happy endings

  SICK! Best not read while enjoying a meal

  WEIRD Just totally daft one way or another

  A QUICK HELLO FROM BROTHER BERNARD

  Hello!

  Now, ‘Native Britons’ – who are you? Do you call yourself British, or English, or Scottish, or Welsh? Or Manx? If English, don’t you want to apologise to the Welsh folk for pushing them out into the (admittedly very pretty) western hills? If Scottish, are you a ‘Pict’ or a ‘Celt’, or are you one of the millions of Irish, Gaelic folk who took up residence centuries ago, while many Scots swapped over to Ireland? Even the name ‘Scot’ comes from Ireland, the story going that the Scoti were a people descended from an exiled Egyptian Princess in the time of Moses, who came here via the Emerald Isle. All these lands are relatively new concepts, the creations of men scribbling on maps – but united, as Britain, it’s a different story.

  So how do you rate your claim to this island? Do you really think the colour of your skin has anything whatsoever to do with it? Are you pink, or as dark-skinned as the Cheddar Man who roamed these hills 10,000 years ago? Or do you think you can trace your family back to the giants who, it was once said, roamed this island of Albion and called it their own?

  Every country on planet Earth has its own origin story – Britain’s most famous and ancient can be found in our first tale – but many years of digging and clever pointing at maps have given us the popular knowledge that hairy humans were scratching out a living on this land hundreds of thousands of years ago, before the final Ice Age. The low lands around these hills became flooded only 8,000 years ago, creating the British Isles, suddenly alone in a chilly ocean out on the western fringe of Europe. And from that time onwards, wave after wave of humanity has washed up on these craggy shores, looking to find themselves a home – and to create their own tales.

  Any hardy nomads who were there to greet the first visitors (or probably to ask for a fight, knowing that lot) would have a great deal of budging up to do in the millennia to follow. With the land warming up nicely, the swarthy Iberian Beaker people are said to have tramped up from Africa, through Spain, and were eventually pushed out of the way by a bunch many call Celts, from somewhere sort of Swiss. Soon these newbies were rooting out Britain’s precious metals, sowing the fertile fields and calling themselves British, in their own small ways – small ways which they would defend to the death with the big sharp bits of metal they’d
dug out of the ground. We tend to call the further waves ‘Celtic’ to save time, because frankly the Bronze and Iron Ages were anyone’s game, with boat after boat bursting with hopeful folk joining up for a plunge into the British soup. This lot tended to really like stones. Big stones.

  Then just before and after ‘Year Zero’ came the Romans of course, spoiling all the fun, and slaughtering all those poor loopy druids. This is where your average ‘History of Britain’ starts; but you see, by this point folk had been living and loving and regularly going to the toilet, right here, for several long millennia (in fact, the oldest toilets in the world can be found in the Stone Age village of Skara Brae, in the Orkneys). Each wave of what we’ll call invasion (because by now there really was little greeting involved when more tribes washed up on the shore) brought fresh ideas and goods to the people of the island that adopted them, and they called this stuff British, be it tea, or decent shoes, or central heating, or DNA.

  Once the Romans had given up, on came the Saxons, the Angles (they soon teamed up and decided to call themselves the Anglo-Saxons; you might know them as ‘English’), and all those frankly rude Vikings and Danes. Slaves. Normans. French Huguenots fleeing religious persecution. German aristocrats keeping Britain Protestant. Colonial immigrants from the British Empire and beyond. Asylum seekers trying to find a safe place to make their own stories. All have made their home on this little green island, and decided to be British.